The Revelations of an Illegitimate Child (Part 3)

... Now that I’m past twenty years old, when all my memories were flashing before my eyes, I realized, was it because we were only a second family that’s why we were not so close with our father’s relatives?  I do not know my cousins in my father’s side.  We were not invited whenever they have family gatherings.  I only see them in pictures.  I’m not so sure if they even knew us.  We were not properly introduced to them as my father’s other children.  I’m afraid that they will just look at us the way that lady misjudged us. I’m afraid they were fed the wrong information. I also feel shy when I got the chance to meet some of them, I really felt inferior.  I felt something was really holding me back or maybe I’m just not used to the feeling.  However, with all fairness, my father’s relatives were nice; they were all professionals and intelligent people.  I personally have nothing against them; maybe it’s just a choice that we were distant to them as of the moment.

Up to this day, I still couldn’t help but feel something awkward about the lady who used to live with us.  I guess I was just deeply wounded and hurt not for myself but more for my mother because of her letter years ago. I have forgiven her already for I know that she was also a victim of misconception, and just like me, she was also a victim of the situation.  I just hold to one belief- not because I was born illegitimate makes me less of everything in life, I am also my father’s child, I have every opportunity that goes along with it. It does not matter how she looks at my mom for not all mistresses are mistresses. In God’s time I know I will forget everything, after all we are forever be sisters in blood, whether half or full, illegitimate or not.

THE END!

The Revelations of an Illegitimate Child (Part 2)

... Soon after, I heard a lot of miseries my mom underwent with his marriage to my dad, which were all hidden to us all those times.  She did not intend to make me hear them, apparently I did.  I noticed my mom preferred to tell those stories to a relative of my dad every time someone visits in our house; the first confidant was my dad’s younger brother.  I know my mom was not lying because every time she tells the same stories I consistently saw the pain in her.  I may be playing with my dolls while she was having a serious talk, I guess my mom thought I might not be paying attention and I’ll just ignore what I heard but she was wrong.  All that I heard were retained in my mind and even in my heart. They meant a lot on my being.

In school, we studied about the nature of adoption, of second family, of mistresses, of illegitimate children and of half siblings.  Having these ideas in mind, I began asking myself once again after prior unanswered questions, Why did that lady behave that way towards us and most especially towards my mom when in fact she’s just an addition to our whole family?  She’s just a half sister or maybe an adopted child or worse, a second family of my dad!  She is just an illegitimate child! All my questions remained as it is because I’m afraid to ask my mom about it, perhaps I’m not also ready for her answers. The entire blunt thought of mine were enlightened one by one as I became teenager.  This time all stories were intended for me to hear.  My mom never had the courage to explain to me in details what I needed to know for reasons up until now are unclear.  I just bear in mind that she did what she had to do because my mom knew that I’m a smart girl, and I’ll be able to read between the lines.  Perhaps she also expected me to have the courage (which she did not have that time) to gently relay what I found out to my younger siblings, who by that time were greatly innocent of the situation.  I discovered through my mom’s mouth that it was I, we actually, who were the illegitimate ones.  The revelation was my mom came to my father’s life when he was already married with four kids, which made us the second family and made my mom technically being considered by the whole world as a mistress.  It was us who were illegitimate and not the lady! Hearing all these facts right in front of my face made me felt the echoing pain I never felt before, it seemed like a sharp knife was stubbed in my young heart into the deepest place it could possibly touch within me.  All blew out of proportion, what I thought was true suddenly became a lie. And everything was so quiet right after…

Apparently, all things were crystal clear, all questions were answered now…the reason why that lady was rude to us was because we were her half siblings, our mom was the one who ruined their family, and that’s what she knew all along. I’m furious of that idea because my mom treated her so well, she was like her child; however, a part of me somehow understood her since it was never easy to have a broken family, acceptance was hard to achieve so I considered her misjudgment.  My mom used to tell me after those eye openers that I should not put on a grudge on the lady, I’m luckier than her because we have a whole family so I should have more understanding of the situation. I did exactly what my mom said and I did not regret it for she was so right. More revelations came right through, I learned that my father pursued on his love for mom even he has a family because his wife fooled him; he caught her having an affair with another guy which forced him to hurt his wife.  He began searching for a new love until he found my mom, but the road wasn’t easy, it was a tough one.  Only after when my dad shot himself in front of my mom that my mom decided to go with him afraid that he might commit suicide again and my dad’s family would curse her if that happens.  The scenario began the despair of my mom.  My dad’s family hated my mom so much; they tagged her as a mistress, a home wrecker and a “malandi”.  I did not blame them because only my parents knew what really happened before they had each other.  And we, their children were the only solid witnesses of my mom’s martyrdom in standing by my dad on their twenty-seventh year of marriage.  I started to feel dismayed to that lady and to the whole family of my dad because they were blinded. If only they knew what happened along the way, how she raised us alone in our studies was admirable, she never obliged my dad for financial help because my dad had his four other legal children who also needed his support. I always cry when I recalled how my mom goes from one person to another to borrow money for our education just because she couldn’t rely on my dad.  If not because of her, we were uneducated today; we were not the ones we are right now and after all these, she still was the ones who was misapprehended. I admire my mom more when she always reminds us not to hate our dad, she keeps on telling us to strive in our life and show my dad’s family that we are not a burden to him and they’ll be proud of us one day.  If only these people knew what she went through, they will not thought of my mom that way. That is the very explanation why I do not feel less of being an illegitimate child, I’ve never been prouder.  I only feel sorry for those who call my mom mistress because they do not know the real meaning of the word.  How can you call her mistress if my dad married her on a civil rights and they were together twenty seven years and counting? They were together after my dad separated from his wife. If that is so, any wife is a mistress, as well.  They are married before God and before man like any other couple and they lived it, my mom lived it and I never felt any shame! The experience made me careful in judging mistresses because not all those who are tagged mistresses are really mistresses as it may sound. (to be continued...)

The Revelations of an Illegitimate Child (Part 1)

Did you ever feel the strange of growing up knowing that there’s something wrong with your family?...I did.  And did you ever question life itself because you went through all the unknown struggles?... I also did.

                There was nothing wrong as I was growing up the way I thought of it.  I had a complete family- father, mother and 2 brothers, though I never got the chance to glance my parents’ wedding picture.  I had a happy and normal childhood playing street games like any other child on the street.  My usual afternoon games were “shato, patintero, baril-barilan, taguan, dampa, chinese garter” and a lot more. I spent my whole life in our house in Manila and I used to have curfew hours of 5:00 o’clock in the afternoon when I was younger. Both of my parents were working that time, actually they were public school teachers so the one who was attending us the whole day after school was a nanny. We had a comfortable life then.  Our family was one of the early settlers in our place and the only relative we had there was my father’s cousin.  Among the family of my parents, they were the only ones who decided to live in a crowded place of Manila.

 Same thing happens every day until one day, an unknown lady of teenage years stepped inside our home; she was a pretty, charming and stunning lady and somehow has a resemblance with my father.  She lived with us to attend her college studies.  I was never close to her for some reasons not clear to me, and she was the same with us also especially with my mom.  I heard from one story to another that she was our older sister and obviously, from a six year-old girl, that did not mean anything to me at all, I readily embraced it.  Never was there a time I recalled my parents ever telling us straight what the situation was and what the real story was with the lady in our house.  I couldn’t blame them though, maybe because they thought we’re too young to absorb the scenario and we couldn’t get it from there. When I entered the third grade (if I was not mistaken), I already got confused since I had lots of ideas in mind from watching tv, reading books and listening to radio. I began asking myself questions like “How come the lady is my older sister when I used to know that I’m the eldest yet she looks much older than I am?”  Same questions crossed in my senses year after year and no answers were found.

I was an eye witnessed of how the lady behaved inside our house.  She never had a single concern for neither my brothers nor I.  She would not bother to carry my baby brother whenever she saw my mom rattled because of too much chores.  I never had a memory of her playing with us during her off to school days.  She preferred to just stay in her locked room the whole day rather than mingle with us.  She even hid foods from us and go ate all them by herself inside her locked room (again).  Those were my memories of her- few but significant.  Fortunately and in fairness to her, I could not remember her hurting us physically; I just gave her that benefit of the doubt.  I do believe she’s not that bad.

Until after I came of age, I heard my mom confronting the lady because my mom saw her (the lady) letter to a woman (her relative, maybe) telling how proud she was making my mom’s life miserable.  She wrote down “ang malandi na yun, ginusto nya ang buhay na ‘to, panindigan nya, buti nga sa kanya! Hindi ko talaga sya tinutulungan sa mga gawain dito sa bahay……at kahit kelan di ko sila matatanggap na kapatid!” The lady was crying during the confrontation and so was my mom; my dad was totally out of the picture. 

(To be continued...)